What Have I Done To Deserve This?
A night-time factory raid to redistribute baby food becomes even more dangerous than expected Cast * Amelia Spens * Maxine Myers * Peter Lynne * Sam Yao Plot Melted Down To The Muscle Amelia's in charge of this night-time mission to recover baby food from a factory. The toxic moat surrounding the building does make everyone wonder why you're helping though... Less Than Ten Minutes As usual Amelia has an ulterior motive. Her ex-husband's company, Xia-Hifa, own the factory, and she can hurt him by stealing the baby food. You need to hurry to load it onto a train leaving very soon. Back Towards The Canal While loading the final pallets of baby food Maxine notices something glinting in the distance. Someone's watching you, so you leave the last two pallets and head back to the canal. Super-Marksman Assassin You're walking through scrubland when a shot just misses you - the shooter is the Pit Viper assassin who's been after you. Peter and Maxine immediately suspect Amelia's sold you out, so cut off her comms to stop her tracking you. Along The Canal Path Maxine was right not to trust Amelia: a manifest shows the baby food you just stole was going to your own allies; the Laundry. Suddenly Peter's hit with a throwing knife and you'll have to take cover. Thankfully Sam's back on comms, and he has a plan! Coming Over All Selfless Sam puts Amelia back on comms. To prove her loyalty she'll give you safe passage into Ministry territory. Sam's plan involves using Peter as a human shield until you reach a bend in the canal. Just Have To Play The Odds You turn sharply as the canal does, but the assassin isn't so quick, and falls into the toxic liquid. Killing one assassin won't change the bounty on your heads, so Amelia advises you to buy out your own contract. S06E15 // Rofflenet Discussion regarding this mission can be found on Rofflenet Transcript AMELIA SPENS: Goodness, that canal looks positively toxic. MAXINE MYERS: Ugh, it is toxic! We are basically walking through bacteria and industrial effluent soup. sighs Lucky Sam warned us that we’d need to wear these rubber waders. PETER LYNNE: Although the toxic soup is actually eating through them. AMELIA SPENS: Well, you’d better hurry up then, hadn’t you? Follow Five’s example. PETER LYNNE: Why are we doing this, again? AMELIA SPENS: Well, Peter, crossing a border is always risky, as you know. You’re in Sigrid’s territory, so traveling at night and through unpopulated areas is the safest option. MAXINE MYERS: I think he meant why are we risking our lives helping you? AMELIA SPENS: Because this is a mission of mercy, and mercy is very much your sort of thing at Abel. And you know, we’ve been working so well together on that babies issue that I asked Jody if she’d help me out with this, and here we are. The thing is, New Canton’s absolutely crawling with babies at the moment. Honestly, they must be at it like rabbits. I’d try to discourage it, only it’s doing wonders for morale. But we’re running awfully low on baby food. Luckily, there’s a shipment passing through the train yard just ahead of you. MAXINE MYERS: So wait, this isn’t about helping you track Selma and find out where Sigrid’s horrible immunity serum factory is? AMELIA SPENS: Oh, well, I mean, probably as a by-product. The more we can find out about where Sigrid’s shipping baby-related items, the closer we’ll be to zeroing in on that location. So yes. Well done, team. This mission helps everything. Although first, there is the small matter of those zoms you seem to have picked up. MAXINE MYERS: They must have come out of the canal. They’ve been melted down to the muscle. AMELIA SPENS: Then I suggest you run. AMELIA SPENS: Right. That big, dark block up ahead is the depot. It’s shut down for the night, so it should be deserted. PETER LYNNE: It’s a bit on the sinister side, isn’t it? Rusting machinery crouching on the concrete. Chimney stacks reaching into the sky like desperate, grasping fingers. AMELIA SPENS: Good lord, so melodramatic. It also just looks like a slightly run-down depot. Hop to it! MAXINE MYERS: Hey, wait a minute. Five, you see up there? The sign? It says Xia-Hifa. PETER LYNNE: That’s Amelia’s ex-husband’s company, isn’t it? MAXINE MYERS: Yes, Amelia. Did you send us on this mission just to mess with your ex? AMELIA SPENS: No! Well, not entirely. MAXINE MYERS: Well, you did engineer a takeover of New Canton because he freaked you out with that perfume and gun gift in Worthington-on-Sea, though, right? AMELIA SPENS: Well, yes! He’s a dangerous man. So if, as a tertiary goal to getting food for little babies and rescuing other little babies, we disrupt his operations, that’s a good thing. If Brent’s involved, it’s bound to be bad news. PETER LYNNE: You think he’s nefariously supplying baby food for nefarious purposes? AMELIA SPENS: He’s probably stockpiling it until he can sell it for a massive markup. Whatever he’s up to, it’s for no one’s good but his own. Anyway, you’re here now, aren’t you? Be a shame to have exposed yourself to all those toxins for nothing. MAXINE MYERS: sighs Every time I think you might have done one altruistic thing! Fine. So, what do we need to do? AMELIA SPENS: It’s quite simple, really. The baby food’s already been loaded into pallets. You need to load the pallets onto that freight train there. I’ve encouraged a few people to reroute it through neutral territory where my agents can unload it. PETER LYNNE: That… actually is quite simple. Possibly suspiciously simple? AMELIA SPENS: But the train is due to depart in less than ten minutes, so you’ll probably need to run. PETER LYNNE: Give me a hand with this one, will you, Five? There we go. Roughly a billion incredibly heavy pallets loaded, only two to go. AMELIA SPENS: And you’re actually slightly ahead of schedule. Jolly well done. MAXINE MYERS: Hang on. Did you see that? PETER LYNNE: What? The grim, gray concrete detritus of post-industrial decay? The rotting corpses of vans like Lovecraftian monsters lurking in the darkness? MAXINE MYERS: Up on that building over there, something glinted. There it goes again! I think it was glass. PETER LYNNE: Binoculars. Someone’s watching us. MAXINE MYERS: Amelia, is it at all possible you might have lured us here under false pretenses and sold us out? Again? AMELIA SPENS: No, it is not. I have no idea who’s watching you, and I don’t like it one bit. Forget those last two pallets and get out of there. Head due south, back towards the canal. Run! PETER LYNNE: Where are we? It’s too dark to see. I can feel thorns scratching my legs, so I’m guessing we’re in some kind of field? Possibly a field full of cats. AMELIA SPENS: You’re in scrubland west of the factory. You’re slightly off course to reach the tunnel back to safe territory, but if you bear east, you’ll get back to where you crossed the canal - gunshot MAXINE MYERS: Jesus, that was close! PETER LYNNE: I see him! He’s under that arc lamp with a tattoo on his face. It’s that Pit Viper assassin, the one who’s been after us for weeks! How the hell did he know we’d be here? MAXINE MYERS: I can think of one possible way. There’s a bounty on our heads, isn’t there? AMELIA SPENS: I know what you’re thinking - PETER LYNNE: And you knew where we’d be, and when! AMELIA SPENS: You’re making a big mistake - beeps MAXINE MYERS: I’ve closed her comms channel. Without it, she shouldn’t be able to track us. Look! If we cut left through that tall grass, we’ll reach the canal, and then we’re back to the wall. gunshot PETER LYNNE: Great! So now all we have to do is avoid getting shot by the relentless super marksman assassin. PETER LYNNE: Great! Back to the toxic canal. I hope our waders last the return trip. MAXINE MYERS: Actually, he’s driven us west of where we were before. I can see a bridge. PETER LYNNE: So is anyone else now doubting every single thing Amelia told us ever, or just me? MAXINE MYERS: I was already doubting it. That’s why I picked up the manifest from the factory when we fetched those pallets. PETER LYNNE: Oh, I knew there was a reason I liked you. What does it say? rustles MAXINE MYERS: That baby food? Valmont wasn’t stockpiling it or making it for Sigrid. Get this! Valmont was giving all that baby food to the Laundry. You know? The people working tirelessly, at great personal risk, to overthrow Sigrid. I guess they must have wanted to use it for barter. PETER LYNNE: So Amelia tricked us into stealing baby food from our own allies in the resistance. I’d say that’s a new low, but - MAXINE MYERS: It’s business as usual. At least that assassin seems to have run out of ammo. We can start heading back to that tunnel. PETER LYNNE: The tunnel Amelia knows we’ll definitely be heading for? I’m not sure – shouts MAXINE MYERS: Peter, are you okay? PETER LYNNE: Oh, that’s – that’s a throwing knife in my neck. MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, but it can’t kill you, right? PETER LYNNE: I don’t think so, but I am losing a lot of blood. Oh, Five, give me your arm. I am feeling just a little bit faint. MAXINE MYERS: Don’t even think about collapsing! We won’t wait for you! PETER LYNNE: Your bedside manner definitely needs some work. static SAM YAO: Guys? Guys, are you reading me? MAXINE MYERS: Sam! What are you - SAM YAO: No time. The assassin’s right behind you, but I’ve got an idea. You’ll need to run to your left along that canal path. See it? PETER LYNNE: Yes. SAM YAO: Then go! SAM YAO: Okay, guys, so I’ve taken over the mission, but… Amelia, do you have something to say? AMELIA SPENS: Yes. First of all, I want to say that I really did have nothing to do with that annoying assassin. thunks into wood PETER LYNNE: You mean the assassin who’s currently throwing knives at us? AMELIA SPENS: Yes. Secondly, I’m honestly quite disappointed that you thought I did. If I were to sell you out to Sigrid, I’d make sure I got the bounty, not Pit Viper. clangs against metal MAXINE MYERS: Did we assassin throwing knives at us? AMELIA SPENS: Yes, yes. Sam’s got a plan to take care of him. And to prove my honesty, I’ve going to use up a very valuable resource to help you. I’ve got three passes secreted in a cubby hole in the wall that will get you through Sigrid’s checkpoint to the west of you. knife whistles through the air and hits PETER LYNNE, who shouts MAXINE MYERS: We won’t make it to the wall if we don’t get rid of this guy. PETER LYNNE: Now would be a really good time to execute that plan of yours, Sam. SAM YAO: You can’t do it yet. The canal makes a sudden turn ahead. Until then, I need you to slow down. thunks into wood PETER LYNNE: Slow down?! He’s throwing knives! SAM YAO: Yeah, I know. sighs I’m sorry. Maxine and Five are going to have to use you as a human – a human-ish – shield, so you might possibly end up with a few more knives in the back. AMELIA SPENS: A former traitor being knifed in the back? How funny. PETER LYNNE: I can feel pain, you know! Oh, I can feel it a lot. SAM YAO: I’m sorry! … Can you do it? PETER LYNNE: Do I have a choice? SAM YAO: Not if you want Maxine and Five to survive, no. PETER LYNNE: Fine! Oh, look at me, coming over all selfless. Maxine, Five, just keep running! knife whistles through the air and hits PETER LYNNE PETER LYNNE: shouts Oh yep. That’s three. Three knives in the back. Oh, I think that last one got a kidney. SAM YAO: Nearly there. Nearly. Okay, the switchback’s coming up. You need to turn sharp left on my mark. With any luck, the assassin won’t know the canal turns, and he’ll keep running straight into it. Okay, get ready in three, two, one, go! splash Yes! It worked. He fell in the water! Ugh. Actually, that’s really horrible. AMELIA SPENS: Dissolving in toxic effluent certainly wouldn’t be my first choice of ways to die. But at least you’re now right by my hidey-hole. Can you see one brick that doesn’t line up with the rest? MAXINE MYERS: Yeah. Got it. scrapes, paper rustles Oh, these actually are travel documents. Not, for example, scorpions, which is kind of what I was expecting. PETER LYNNE: Could you just pull out one of these knives for me, Five? It’s in that awkward little spot between my shoulder blades that I can never quite reach. groans At least we don’t need to worry about Pit Viper anymore. AMELIA SPENS: Well, when you hire Pit Viper to kill someone, you don’t hire the individual, you hire the organization. If one falls, they send two in to replace him. sighs Actually, I didn’t want to have to tell you this now, but Sam, look at this. Message via the Laundry. rustles SAM YAO: Oh. Oh no. Oh God. MAXINE MYERS: What? What is it? SAM YAO: Selma, the immune woman who went back to Sigrid to help us find the serum factory. She’s on the run. PETER LYNNE: That’s the plan, isn’t it? She’s GPS tagged like an endangered heron. We’ll pick her up and find out what she knows. SAM YAO: Sigrid’s taken out a Pit Viper contract on her. MAXINE MYERS: So if we try to pick her up, Pit Viper will follow us straight to her, just like they did with Sweetpea. AMELIA SPENS: Yes. There is one solution to this problem I’ve used before. I’ve had 15 contracts taken out on me. Would you believe? Who knew I was that unpopular? PETER LYNNE: Everyone! AMELIA SPENS: That’s just because I’m the only one who’ll always tell you the truth, just like I am now. You have to buy out your own contract. Now, it is true that 9 of the 15 people I sent to meet with Pit Viper were murdered, but 100% of the people Pit Viper are hired to kill die, so as we do want to get Selma back, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to play the odds on this one.Category:MissionCategory:Season Six